Darkness to Light

At some point of time, dark thoughts engulfed me… almost pushed me to the edge. I felt claustrophobic, dejected, anguished, betrayed, entrapped and lost amidst the cacophony of life. I floated in darkness trying desperately to find the ray of hope.
There are darkness in life and there are light too. In the depths of misery there is still calmness, harmony, light, love and hope.

Acknowledgement :
Niladri Dhara
Niladry Arpita
Mousumi Mondal
Binita Dey

“There was a happy time
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, 
That’s me.”

Maya Angelou, Phenomenal woman

“This storm is you. Something inside you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time.”

Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“I had a dream, which was not all a dream. 
The bright sun was extinguish’d, and the stars 
Did wander darkling in the eternal space, 
Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth 
Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air”

Lord Byron, Darkness 

“The caged bird sings 
with a fearful trill 
of things unknown 
but longed for still 
and his tune is heard 
on the distant hill 
for the caged bird 
sings of freedom.”

Maya Angelou, Caged Bird

“I dreamed you were a poem,
I say, a poem I wanted to show someone . . .”

Adrienne Rich, Twenty one Love Poems(Poem II) 

“The spent sun passes out beneath an arch,
and, shroudlike, stretched from the antipodes,
—hear it, O hear, love!—soft night marches in.”

Charles Baudelaire, Meditation

“We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.”

Paul Laurence Dunbar, We Wear the Mask

“BATTER my heart, three-personed God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o’erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.”

John Donne, Holy Sonnets 

“You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.”

Maya Angelou, Still I Rise

“This is my delight,
Thus to wait and watch at the wayside
Where shadow chases light
And the rain comes in the wake of the summer. “
⦁ Rabindranath Tagore “ Where shadow chases light”

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.”

Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Reverberation

“My library is an archive of longings.” Susan Sontag

The self infiltrates into the cultural landscape. And this self has the fragile body, indicating a space: of futility, transience and transcendence. The inner perceptions and emotional entanglements get inscribed into the metaphysics of this landscape.

Reverberation 01, Himachal 2019

Reverberation 02, Himachal 2018

Reverberation 03, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 04, Himachal 2018

The process becomes an intensely personal yet acutely revealing body of work. The experience deals with the body and stillness, the relationship with space and movement, expressing an intimate moment, where physical and emotional limitations are stretched, tested and broken. The space and non-space oscillate between memory and imagination.

Reverberation 05, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 06, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 07, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 08, Himachal 2018

As I look back to these images, I can hear the slender explosion of echoes and unheard voices. The co-existence of the pathos of loneliness as well as the overflow of sensory sequences create a back and forth motion of emotional pulling.

Reverberation 09, Himachal 2018

Reverberation 10, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 11, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 12, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 13, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 14, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 15, Himachal 2018

The perception begins to shift so that what was familiar becomes unfamiliar. The reverberation of the past brews the limitless distance and nothingness into the present space of uncertainty and free fall.

Reverberation 16, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 17, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 18, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 19, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 20, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 21, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 22, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 23, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 24, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 25, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 26, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 27, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 28, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 29, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 30, Himachal 2018
Reverberation 31, Himachal 2018

Cocooned

The world came to a standstill in March 2020 because of the pandemic. The soul has been battered through different periods of this time. These unusual times have exposed the sore wounds of my inner self to the surface. The wavelength of the exposure has been different and interesting to me! I had started to record these strange thoughts and feelings in order to create some tactile imagery. This lockdown period has given me the opportunity to explore the home’s intimate space, which I recognize as symbolic of the HINTERLAND (the land behind, especially of a city or a port). The socio-spatial relevance of home has created an uneasiness within myself.

The sunlight masquerades the rooms for an hour or so early in the morning, creating this HINTERLAND of happenings beyond the scope of my immediate vision. It creates and re-creates magic. And I have explored my intimate self to play with the light. The challenge thrown by the limited space and opportunity has acted as an abetment. The social distancing, coupled with lockdown, has restricted the “self” and movement. There is this feeling of an isolated island as I go to the terrace to get some fresh air!

The anxiety continues to stay; I constantly look for the equilibrium between the intimate and the distant, masked, and the unmasked. The illusion, dreams, thoughts, anxiety, unconscious self, and the fantasy world — get illuminated through the visual drama. It seems to me we are living a cocooned life, waiting patiently for the completion of metamorphosis when the beautiful butterfly shall gain freedom!

https://sixfeet.photography/photographs-to-fathom-blog/cocooned

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Sound of Silence

I came across this beautiful thought by the renowned poet and author Amrita Pritam: “There are many stories which are not on paper, they are written in the minds and bodies of women”.

I have been thinking about this. It is necessary to push through the fog and pain of trauma; to create a narrative through the making of images on these ‘unwanted memories’, and, then, perhaps it would help me achieve emotional catharsis.

Growing up in a patriarchal society throws up many challenges. The barriers and discrimination against women have been woven deep into the fabric of society for ages. Irrespective of gender, class or ethnicity people face hostility from sinister forces. For a woman this becomes more challenging. The fear of daily sexual harassment, lewd comments, inappropriate touching in public places lingers. The daily commute to my workplace becomes an ordeal.


Every time anything of this happens, it takes away a part of my self confidence and self esteem. It is like there is a pot inside me which gets filled up with venom with every verbal or physical assault. The restlessness is intolerable.

The traumatic experiences take the form of mental scars. They become unwanted memories. These memories are emotional numbing. They are suppressed into the traumatized subconscious which are difficult to put into chronology. And the body becomes the landscape for the “colonial control”.

The newspaper brings in the unfortunate stories of assault on girls and women of all ages.

The married life is also full of traumatic experiences of domestic violence. Some of these need not be physical, even the verbal abuses can be enough to pull any person’s psychological breakdown.

The very common objects attain a different perspective. The knife that I use for cutting vegetables becomes the tool or metaphor for unending violence.

Man (human being) is violent and impatient towards nature. The masculinity imposes its colonial power to subjugate. One feels lonely and abandoned.

The female body is mostly seen as an object, a commodity. This body, too, has a soul. Who cares?

The darkness is heavy.

Nature is raw, uninhibited and open. I feel a great psychological affliction. I feel like these floating rocks.

There is a longing — a longing to be heard.

Is it not that we worship the idols of goddesses!

Then why does the voice get smothered? The question is pertinent.

The parched soil reflects my psychological condition. My parched soul looks for the light of divinity.

Plunging further into darkness, I search for my roots, my identity.

The pain and suffering are etched as monsters.

Death seems to beckon me.

No, I have to survive. I have to find ways to overcome these violent forces.

Remembering the words of the poet Octavio Paz:

“But I look up
the stars write.
Unknowing I understand:
I too am written.”

I want to snatch the light from the thousands of suns far away in the galaxy, and celebrate my imperfection.

To become a bird — and regain my flight and song.

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